Photo by Sunny Golden

Last January, we were getting settled in our new home in Spain and my husband and just left on deployment.  I was walking my dog Libby around our neighborhood on a particularly sunny, cold winter day.  I can still remember exactly where I was standing when I really heard God telling me, “Caroline, something big is about to happen, but no matter what you will be able to handle it.” I have never had that type of experience before, and I didn’t know if something good or bad was going to happen, but I felt at peace.

Earlier that week, I had been messaging my husband that since moving to Spain, I had felt the most content I have ever felt in life, and it truly was a good feeling.

Well, less than two weeks later, I was standing in the public market getting eggs from my favorite local farmer and all of a sudden my pants were completely soaked with blood.  I rushed to my car and started driving home, very confused about what was happening.  When I arrived home, the blood didn’t stop, nor did it stop for a long time.

I had a miscarriage.

The next day it was like nothing had changed, but everything had changed.  How could I feel such sadness for someone I never knew existed?  

In the days and weeks that followed, I was honestly very sad, a deep painful sadness I have never experienced before.  My husband was deployed so I never felt like I went through the normal process of conversation and emotions.  Randomly in the months that followed, I would have waves of grief out of no where, feeling like I was a bad wife for letting this happen or feeling suffocated by extreme sadness.  I remember some days running with my dog that I would have to stop and breathe because I felt so suffocated.

The day the miscarriage happened my sweet husband messaged me saying, “God has a plan.”  And let me tell you that was not what I wanted to hear in the moment, but in the months that followed I knew those words to be true.  I saw that plan come to life.

Miscarriage was a wake up call to me and one that I took very seriously.  I knew I had some hormone issues that really needed help, I knew that adrenal fatigue, brain fog and panic were consuming my days, I knew that I was attempting to do too much, even though all of the things were good things.  

I knew in my heart that I had to deal with these issues right away and that taking care of myself was not selfish.  In the months that followed, I cut out a lot both personally and business-wise, I said NO to a lot of opportunities and people, but I knew this is what my health and future needed—and still to this day I firmly believe that putting myself and my health first is not selfish.

While miscarriage and loss is something I would NEVER wish on anyone, miscarriage is apart of me and my story and has shaped the woman I am today, and that is something I don’t ever want to ignore.

I know this part of the story is something that many people, especially those who have dealt with loss, will not understand, but this is truly how I feel in my heart, which is one of the biggest reasons I have kept this all personal until now.

I did see God’s plan come to life.

I jumped fully into concentrating on my hormone health, eliminating stress from my life and completely re-designing how I approached life, stress and business.  And I saw a pretty radical and quick change.  Creativity, energy and passion came back to me…something that had been missing from my life for quite some time.  I felt like a new Caroline, but a calmer, more focused and more content version of myself.

Through the difficulty and pain of last year, I also saw beauty and growth.  This loss inspired me to completely re-think my business model and gave me the desire to impact women, not just telling them about nutrition and what to eat, but that healthy living is about so much more—it is about nurturing yourself both physically and emotionally.

I felt a big pull on my heart to completely rebrand and leave a lasting legacy.  My new brand Flourish was born out of loss but branded with beauty.

I launched my Happy Hormones Workshop and coached countless women through hormonal struggles, adrenal fatigue and just not feeling *normal.*  Hearing success from each of these women and how this workshop changed their life for the best, gave me hope that despite my loss there was a plan.

The TWO crazy parts of this story, and where I really see God’s hand in all of this, is the week I launched my new brand Flourish would have been the week of the baby’s due date (October 2017).  And the week I flew to Charleston to photograph with my dear friend Kylie for this new website, I was just a few weeks pregnant with my sweet little Roo (coming April/May 2018).  

To be honest, I haven’t shared this story until now because I honestly didn’t know where my heart stood, and that was something I wanted to figure out on my own (yes, even my Mom didn’t know).  I wanted to watch God’s plan unfold rather than sharing my confused emotions on social media.  Some days I felt angry, sad and confused and other days I felt at peace.

For me, the hardest part of miscarriage has been being currently pregnant with our rainbow baby, Roo (nickname!).  The first few months of being pregnant were utterly consumed by fear, despite constantly praying for that fear to go away.  Even today at 24 weeks today, that fear still creeps in.  I still hold my breath at every doctors appointment praying this little one still has a heart beat.  Each passing day has gotten better and I know that God has a plan for this life, whatever that may be, but miscarriage is something I don’t wish for anyone because the fear is so intense.

To all the women (and their families) who have suffered loss, both miscarriage and infant loss (something that I can’t even begin to understand), my heart is with you.  Know that the fears are real, but through the pain there is a plan and you must cling to that glimmer of hope, no matter how small it may seem some days.

My sweet friend and business partner Justine, who just suffered her second loss wrote this the other day, “It’s an odd feeling and even hard to explain, how I can go through such a rough season yet still see the joy and the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been a rollercoaster, but I’m OK with His plan.”

To all of you who have prayed for me and sent encouraging messages recently, I can’t thank you enough for walking this journey with me! 

And sweet little Roo in my tummy, your angel sibling in heaven is watching over you!